Hello and happy Monday!
I write this post with a blue heart, but a heart that is radiating light and hope.
My entire life I’ve had what you could call a complicated relationship with my mother. We were never close; she left my dad, my sister and I when I was just two years old. My only memories of her involve very unstable – sometimes downright unsafe – behavior. As a child, sometimes I realized things were not ok. Sometimes I didn’t.
Fast forward more than two decades. For the most part my mother never crosses my mind, and it’s usually better that way. Sometimes on Mother’s Day I think of her and the relationship we don’t have. Planning our wedding, it crosses my mind more frequently than before. But for the most part, things glided on – there was no real communication, but there was also no big blow out, either. It just was … nothing.
This weekend (in fact, right before our engagement photo session … how ‘bout that timing?) I received a message out of the blue from her. The message was hurtful toward me and the family that was there for me as a child, teenager, and now, adult. I decided I’ve reached a moment in life when I need to make a decision about our relationship. I needed to lay down the hammer, which I’ve never had to do before. If I didn’t address our situation now, I would have to address it when I have children someday.
As I typed the email explaining how she’s never been there for me, and how it’s hurtful to me if she insults the family that did raise me, I felt both deep blue and crazy light. Memories that I had buried rose to the surface. My supportive family listened to me and offered insight and advice I hadn’t heard before. As I did something so painful – telling her she is not welcome at the wedding – something was lifted off my shoulders. The emotional limbo of grief and ignorance that I have been in for nearly 27 years was coming to a close. I was making a decision.
I’m deciding my future starts today. I’m deciding that when I say my vows in October, I am not only promising to be a loyal, loving wife but to be the adult that I want to be. I’m vowing to be the mother my own mother wasn’t. I’m vowing to not let things hurt me that aren’t my fault. I’m vowing to always appreciate and show gratitude towards the people in my life – whether they’re related by blood or not – who enrich my life and make me who I am today.
The right decisions aren’t always easy decisions.
Note: I successfully avoided crying off my $100 makeup before our engagement pictures – HUZZAH! (Had to throw some humor into this post)
Also – bonus engagement photo: